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Life

Memories of the Matrix

You find me sitting in the dark of the junk room, listening to an 80s playlist while quietly tapping away on the computer keyboard. My happy place. Maybe happy is an exaggeration. My place feels somehow more accurate.

Foreigner are singing “I Want to Know What Love Is”. I’m trying to remember if it was in a movie. Wikipedia helpfully tells me it has been in several movies, but doesn’t list them. Great. I’m deciding right not not to jump down the internet rabbit hole. There’s probably a website out there that lists such useful information – I’m not about to go looking for it because the clock will slide forwards an hour, and I’ll have ended up watching ABBA, Bronski Beat, and The Buggles rather than writing any more words.

I seem to have an alliteration thing going on today.

Life seems to be on a somewhat circular track at the moment – each day revolving much as the previous day has, and the next day will. I’m surprised I’m not suffering episodes of deja vu.

Did you know deja vu is related to temporal lobe epilepsy? When you get the sensation that you’ve been somewhere before it’s actually a sign that your brain is getting stuff wrong. It’s perfectly normal though. Our brains seem to be very good at dealing with the inexact; much more so than computers. Can you even imagine if our brain worked like a computer? Sure, we could add numbers up really quickly, and drive cars insanely sensibly, but we couldn’t describe how the wind feels, what chocolate tastes like, or why a hug makes us smile.

It doesn’t take much to make a brain malfunction – high temperature makes most people see things and talk rubbish. I once had flu and my Mum found me sitting at the foot of the stairs with my head in my hands – whispering that I was going mad. I was seeing things, and knew they were not real. Walls of rooms had turned into machinery – cogs, wires, pistons – for months afterwards I remember feeling somehow unstable if I even recalled memories of what I had seen – almost like patches of memory were broken.

Maybe the matrix started to fail and I saw it.

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